Be wise. Be brave. Be tricky. (slithytove) wrote,
Be wise. Be brave. Be tricky.

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Higgs on the run

As you may have noticed, the Large Hadron Collider is up and running again, and has begun to churn out tenure for hundreds of European assistant professors important findings in particle physics.

The LHC had no sooner been turned on in 2008, than it failed. Repairs have taken a year. Somewhere the elusive Higgs Boson still lurks, like a boundless daemon sultan whose name no lips dare speak aloud, and who gnaws hungrily in inconceivable, unlighted chambers beyond time and space amidst the muffled, maddening beating of vile drums and the thin monotonous whine of accursed flutes.

Maybe the Higgs doesn't want to be found. Seriously, that hypothesis has been proposed, growing out of the famous 'quantum wierdness':
[T]he troubled collider is being sabotaged by its own future. A pair of otherwise distinguished physicists have suggested that the hypothesized Higgs boson, which physicists hope to produce with the collider, might be so abhorrent to nature that its creation would ripple backward through time and stop the collider before it could make one, like a time traveler who goes back in time to kill his grandfather.
NYT link, free registration required, etc. The Higgs itself, then, is finding ways to stop the LHC. BoingBoing denounced the Higgs as incompetent after its last effort to stop the LHC, in November, when a bird dropping bread from its beak managed to shut down the operation.

Desperate, the Higgs Boson then recruited a mighty northern ally, whose powers reach their height at this time of year. Santa. The LHC is now closed for Christmas. The Higgs breathes a sigh of relief, puts up its feet before the fire, and gnaws hungrily at a turkey drumstick. The vile drums and accursed flutes play, "Grandma Got Run Over by the Reindeer."

But the Higgs' respite will be brief. Come January 2, the search for the Higgs will be on again, and I fear the Higgs is running out of ideas. Birds dropping bread? C'mon.

Let's help the Higgs out!

Poll #1503013 Help the Higgs

If you were a massive but reclusive elementary particle, how would you contrive to stop the meddling chrome-domes, four-eyes, and cobweb-spinners of CERN?

Hack the geolocation coordinates of an Iranian nuclear-tipped missile so that instead of striking Tel Aviv, it hits the LHC. Ahmadinejad: "Oops."
Introduce a colony of Wilson's Alpine Short-Tailed Voles into the LHC facility. Because Wilson's Vole is an endangered species, the LHC must be shut down to protect it.
Discredit the LHC leadership by publishing photos of LHC chief Lyn Evans in an a three-way with Carla Bruni and John Edwards.
Increase diplomatic friction between Switzerland and France (something about cheese subsidies, or goose confit), culminating in open warfare. Firefights between French and Swiss troops rage through the corridors of the LHC.
Carve a wormhole between the LHC and an alternate dimension. Hold a Half-Life LARP.
Allow the LHC investigators to detect everything except the Higgs Boson: a Navy bos'n, a bran muffin, George Jetson, Gloria Swanson. After Physics Letters turns down their third paper describing Gloria Swanson, the investigators give up in disgust.
These ideas are even stupider than the baguette-dropping bird! I will offer a much better idea in the comments.
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