The vaccine finally made it to my hospital, after flybys of every other hospital in the area. A nurse came around the ER to stick everyone.
"Extra mercury in mine," I said, rolling up my sleeve.
"There's no mercury in it," the nurse said, plunging the needle deeply into my deltoid.
I scarcely felt it. "What!" I squawked. I was outraged. What's this modern world coming to? When I was a kid, all my vaccines had mercury in them. Helped toughen me up. Like being a boy named Sue. Like the Spartans making their kids bathe in ice water. Like Conan pushing that circular mill. Like Hanzo the Razor plunging his... into... oh, never mind, this is a family journal.
Anyway, I'm positive that mercury made me what I am today.
Kids today have it too soft. Before long, our flabby, mercury-free population will be overrun by mercury'ed-up Russkies or Wahhabis or something.
Damn. I'll just have to eat more tuna fish.