I'm a day late with this, because I thawed the bird in the fridge as recommended, and it took longer than expected.
I have had the house encased in a PVC bubble with positive pressure ventilation and HEPA filters, supplied by Philadelphia Modern Thanksgiving Consultants. I have dressed myself in an EPA-approved full-body D.7 suit, and scrubbed down my turkey with muriatic acid, 8-molar urea, and 95% isopropyl alcohol. It will roast at 2000 degrees Fahrenheit for 48 hours.
Afterward, I went through the decon shower system that the PMTC Hazmat team set up in my driveway, and stood in the cold November night, shivering in a wet sheet, while PMTC triple-scrubbed my kitchen from top to bottom with military-grade disinfectants.
I trust this will protect me from salmonella. The warnings just seem to get more dire every year, don't they?
It would be so much simpler if I lived in Australia. They don't have salmonella in commercial poultry in Australia. Did you know that? It's true.
But they don't have Thanksgiving, either. It's like a Catch-22.